Lately I've been feeling down and I do know that some of my friends-cum-colleagues have mutual feelings too. We've been discussing about this one particular topic for a while now - early retirement.
Many things sparked this feeling among and in us. We are all still teachers at heart but lately (well, as of a few years now, actually) we don't have that special feeling inside anymore. The feeling wanes each and every single day.
Now don't misunderstand me. The only happy moment for us is when we enter our classes and meet our students. They're our only way of getting in touch with reality of some sort.
It's the bureaucracies that hamper our genuine interest in the profession. Presently, what we are actually doing is trying to achieve other people's ambitions. There are so many things that are expected of us to achieve that teaching is not our core business anymore.
It's not about imparting knowledge, sharing experiences and educating our children (read: students) anymore. It's more about pushing them to get higher grades (read: A+, A, A-) and our very self-esteem rests on these grades. We are also graded (annually and much to our dismay) based on the grades our children attain. We are given star ratings. We are given rankings. Those lucky enough to get many excellent students will be given many stars and higher rankings. Others are deemed incompetent (psychologically).
There is an outflux of lecturers lately from our college - as many as 3 (and this is not a normal figure). Now, if 'the power that be' realizes it, they should be alarmed. The figure is very abnormal and i'm sure there are more who are in the process or are contemplating of taking the same route.
I've been talking to them. And they all gave me the same answer - it's just not there anymore (pointing to their hearts). And that's exactly how many of us feel.
Very recently, an ex-colleague asked us 'takkan korang nak mereput kat situ je?' (don't tell me you guys are gonna rot there? - literally translated). Well, he may be right and he may be wrong. He got an unexpected avenue to get away from all these limbos because someone pulled him out and placed him elsewhere where he's happier. He is also wrong about rotting here because we know for a fact that he too doesn't enjoy teaching anymore. He's just lucky yo get that break that he really needed. The fact of the matter is, he is still working for other people and striving very hard to achieve other people's ambitions too. He's no more different than us who are 'rotting' here.
We are government servants and that's what we really are - just servants. We may have people aspiring to become head of departments, directors and the higher ups in the upper ladders. At the end of the day these servants are still servants except that they may become butlers (higher level servant) as compared to us.
Again, don't get me wrong. The pay is good. It's actually better than the private sectors. Way better. But, what can money do to you if you are unhappy and miserable? How can it make you feel better about yourself if you can no longer understand about what you are supposed to do?
Maybe I'm tired of all these.
Maybe I want to do something else for a change.
Maybe I want to become a street hawker for a month.
Maybe I want to become a writer, writing novels about various themes and not focusing about the monetary reward.
Maybe I want to do crafts and give them away to people.
Maybe I want to have a stint as an actor.
Maybe I want to volunteer with UNICEF.
Maybe I want to travel the world.
Maybe...
Maybe...
Maybe...
Maybe those are what I should do.
I had a heart-to-heart talk with my husband this morning. I pointed out to the fact that he started living his own dreams right after we got married 21 years ago.
He's happy psyching-up whenever he's starting a new project.
He's enthusiastic when pursuing one of his hobbies giving guitar lessons to newbies and amateurs alike for a mere rm10 per session (each session can last for a few hours).
He's beaming when cooking and operating his own hip cafe although we charge very minimum price compared to other similar cafes.
He's enjoying his own rhythm and embracing his blues when he's mixing recorded songs in his own recording studio.
There are so many things that he gets to do and actually enjoys doing them - even if they're not financially rewarding.
He's happy and fulfilled.
These are the things that I seek.
These are the things that my parents fail to understand.
These are the things that plague and torment me.
So this morning i asked for his blessing.
I need his blessing.
To allow me to decide on my own terms when to stop what I'm doing right now and to start making me feel happy or happier.
I will give myself at most 5 more years (maybe less) to stay in this profession.
I will in turn need a different kind of support from him for a change.
I no longer need him to tell me what I'm doing is good for the community.
I no longer need him to convince me that I should feel good about what I'm doing.
I need him to support me emotionally.
I need him to support me mentally.
I need him to support me financially.
It's high time for me to focus on my happiness for a change.
